‘Fauxgi’ is a brand new word I just coined. You’re the first to hear it. Take ‘faux’, the pretentious way us English speakers say fake, smash it together with ‘yogi’, the pretentious way to say you can touch your toes, and what do you got? FAUXGI!

 

Confused? That’s okay. Just answer a few simple questions and I will tell you if you’re a fauxgi or not.

 

QUESTION ONE

What do wear when you yoge?

a) a loincloth.

b) sports wear.

c) skin tight leggings or super baggy hippie pants.

 

QUESTION TWO

What is your intention with yoga?

a) to be able to sit for hours in meditation with the hope of reaching sadhasana.

b) to do something different, to see what it’s about.

c) to get a yoga bum and rise up the ranks until I’m a celebriyogi.

 

QUESTION THREE

If someone says something that upsets you, what do you do?

a) use it as an opportunity to inquire within and find out why it annoys you. Later thank the person for rubbing up on your edge and showing you a place where unconsciousness exists.

b) cry. Then talk to your friends. Consume wine/chocolate. Move on.

c) blame the other person. Tell them they upset your feelings and that they are not ahmisa-ing. Find some way to make it their fault. Accuse them of not being on the path. Quote Rumi/Jesus/any other old, dead, wise man.

 

QUESTION FOUR

What does the word Enlightenment mean to you?

a) It is natural progression of humanity, and though it may take lifetimes to become Enlightened, that is what I’m here to do.

b) umm, something to do with light?

c) I would love to be Enlightened. I think I would really enjoy it. I’d just, like, always be happy. I think I might be Enlightened already.

 

QUESTION FIVE

You meet Buddha on the road. What do you do?

a) kill him.

b) ask him for directions.

c) laugh at the old man who doesn’t even have a yoga mat. Tell him he’s not on the path. Advise him to open his heart chakra.

 

THE RESULTS

Mostly As:

Either you cheated or you are ever so on the path. I didn’t know you had the internet in Indian meditation caves. You shall be Enlightened, in this life or the next.

 

Mostly Bs:

Bless your (non organic) cotton socks. You earnestly rock up to yoga classes out of interest, or because your friend said it’s fun. Though you’re not a fauxgi, stay vigilant. If you start thinking that yoga pants=Enlightened, report back so I can give you a slap.

 

Mostly Cs:

You my friend are a fauxgi. You have a superficial understanding of a deep and ancient philosophy, but unlike ‘mostly Bs’, you think you know it all. Don’t worry, fauxgi-itis isn’t incurable. Get yourself down to a few satsangs. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Look past your body and your feelings. Admit to yourself that you don’t know.

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